The Reason..

The world's asleep, but I'm wide awake
Thoughts of mine, are having their own take.
Why did all this happen, why to me?
For what mistake am I. paying the fee?

     My heart skips a beat honey, even now, for you
     Yet You and I turning Us, forever remains due.
     Got you to believe, on you did I cheat
     Its for your good did I, get the act neat.

For your love-bound eyes, life with me seemed nice
But you couldn't see honey, things you had to sacrifice.
I know you would give it up , with all your heart
But you deserve to have all that, every single part.

I know I'd be your family, you'd take my surname
But why lose your present one, just for the same?
You'd choose me over them, given a choice any day
Yet that hollow in your life, would forever and ever stay.

 

 I took you for a ride, is what for now, you believe

That's enough for me, from your heart, to take leave.

For breaking your heart, I shall take, all the accuse

I just didn't want you at the crossroad, having to choose.

Until next time,

Chandana C. Shekar

Your Smile..

That lucky day,
When you gave me a smile;
It took my breath away,
As far as a mile.

Those words of yours,
Which melted me hon;
As though I was just ice,
And you were the sun.

With all your love,
And all your care;
I just don't know,
How time flew away.

When I almost thought,
You were really mine;
You shared your life,
With another woman.

I thought and thought,
What do i do??
It was no more 'us',
Just 'me' and 'you'.

I was ready to accept,
That you will never be mine;
But you ruined it all,
When you smiled at me again.

Yours,
Chandana C. Shekar

Slap-up Thoughts #12

"Its fine if you wanna walk out of somebody's life. Just make sure you don't leave questions behind".

Until next time,
Chandana C. Shekar

My First Take At Story Writing :-) :-)

To,
 Dr.Priya Raghavan
G-3, Gayathri Apartments,
Basavanagudi, B'lore.

.. read the address written on an envelope in her mailbox. Priya instantly recognised the handwriting. Her heart missed a beat. She wanted to open the mail right there; but managed to get to her apartment , so that she could read it in peace. She knew she would go weak in her knees after reading it. She always did, whenever it was anything from 'him'. Sharath , the only guy, whom she had ever allowed access to her life, a long 3 years ago. The only guy, she loved more than love. The only guy, to whom she had given more rights over her, than to herself. The only guy , who was synonymous with the world for her. That one person, who she trusted more than she trusted God. The only one ,who had managed to stay on her mind, heart and soul 24*7, even though he was miles away.

She opened the letter, her eyes already filled with tears of joy. It had been two months since he had called or even written to her. She never questioned it, because she could not. He worked with Merchant Navy. He was sailing. She couldn't call him on the ship's satellite phone.She did not have an address to write to. Her e-mails had bounced back, and she had no idea as to why. Yet, yet, yet, she had no complaints. She trusted him. She convinced herself that he is busy somewhere. She wished nothing had gone wrong with him..... And as she opened the letter, there it was,... the words, in black, on white,...

"Hey Priya, I'm sorry to say this. I don't mean to make things turn ugly, but.. we need to break-up! Can't give you explainations now. But trust me, this is how it was supposed to end. Sorry again. Take care -  Sharath".

Blank.. blank.. blank... Priya's tears of joy took less than a second to dry out. They also failed to come out of her eyes. She was shocked, awestruck, numb.. She couldn't believe this was reality. How could this happen to her? She had never sensed anything of this sort coming her way. He, among all people on earth couldn't have done this to her. How could he see her hurt? How could he leave so many questions unanswered? How could it be so easy for him? Just two lines and everything over? Had he even thought what would happen of her? How could it be fine when they were not together? Why this? Why her? Why now? She was supposed to go home to her parents that week, and she planned to talk to them about him. And now this? All the Hows and Whys swept through her mind like a hurricane. She sat there, as immobile as a stone, staring into nowhere.

Three days passed. She sat in her living room, staring at the newspapers at her door, which she hadn't bothered pick up. Her colleague called to tell her that her Professor was really mad at her for staying absent without a notice. She knew that would come. Being a Post Graduate student in Medicine, when she had patients under her care, emergencies to handle and a lot more duties, she just couldn't stay away from hospital like this. Not without assigning somebody else to handle her duties. She had got leave for only 4 days for her sister's wedding too. And that was starting tomorrow! She knew she was in trouble. But nothing seemed worst than what had happened to her. She had lost her 'everything'. Life itself had come to a stand still. What would she do after becoming a physician? All her dreams of the future were associated with him. And now, how could she live life with his slot empty?

Just as she thought of that, 'Sindhu' blinked on her phone. Her elder sister was calling . "Hey Munni, when are coming home? I'm waiting for  you to come and apply mehendi for me. You know that I'm not getting it done at any parlour right? Come soon da!". .. Priya thought for a second and said, "Yeah, almost leaving". Sindhu was getting married. Unlike Priya, Sindhu always wanted to get into an arranged marriage, to see her parents happily bid good bye to her, and then, open up her life for the person, who the world thought suited best for her. Love for her, was too risky. Whenever Sindhu had said this, Priya always thought to herself, 'My love isn't risky. It's bliss'. Priya couldn't let her sorrow ruin Sindhu's wedding celebration. She packed her bags, and left,...for home... for Chennai.

Two days later, the D-day finally arrived. Priya had never seen Sindhu as happy as she was now. She wondered if she herself could ever ever be this way. She hated it when people said, 'So priya, you are the next one in line!".It made her heart bleed again and again. She helped the bride get ready, to look her best. Sindhu looked gorgeous, the perfect bride -happy, smiling, calm, anxious and shy. Priya felt really happy for her. She said, "Akka, sometimes in life, we fail to understand the value of  people who are always there for us. We never wonder what would happen of us if not for them. I just can't think of being what I am, if you weren't in my life. Sorry for the times that I hurt you. And Thanks for all the times when you lost, just to make me win. Thanks for everything. I love you". Sindhu's eyes were moist. Her little kiddo sister had grown up. The same girl, who she had taught rhymes to, was giving speeches now!. They hugged each other. They realised that they loved each other a lot lot more than they themselves knew.

"Munni, the Groom's arrived...get the aarthi thaali", Priya's mom shouted from the across the hall. Priya flashed a smile and went to welcome the Groom and his family. She hurried to the entrance,and there, ... she froze.

She remembered telling Sharath on the phone, 6 months ago, "I'm so dying to see you honey, that when I finally will, I'm sure the ground will slip off my feet".. And it happened. Right then. Right there.

Her 'akka' was getting married to 'her' Sharath!! She recalled not hearing to anything abour Sindhu's fiance, and not seeing the snap Sindhu had mailed her. She had then teasingly said, "Let there be some excitement and mystery. I shall see the 'arranged-marriage-hero'on the big day itself". Sharath knew that Sindhu had a sister called Munni. He hadn't even vaguely imagined that Priya and Munni could be the same. Maybe the once-in-a-fortnight, 15-minute-conversations on the satellite phone,that he and Priya had, never gave them enough time to talk about anything other than the love they cherished.

Priya had always taken everything from Sindhu. From parents, to clothes, to books, to dolls, to nail colours. And now, Sindhu had forver taken from her, the only thing that she truely wanted, the only thing that was solely 'hers'.

A week ago, after readin that letter, Priya had thought that she had lost everything in life... But now she realised, she had some more to lose,.... and she lost that too.

Yours truly,

Chandana C. Shekar

p.s. 1- My First time at story writing. Maybe it went a bit longer for a short story.Hope you enjoyed reading. I'm dying for feedback. Do comment. Bouquets and Brickbats most welcome :)

p.s. 2- And yeah, my creativity is tired after writing this story, and it's taking a nap. So, suggestions for the Title welcome too :)

p.s 3.- I love the last picture, It's my fav since months :). It speaks a lot.

Cheers :)

Chandana

Why This Way??

Imagine a situation. You happen to (inevitably) go to one of your fav places ( say a cafe). You've never been there with anyone else, but one (special) person. Somebody, in whose life you no longer exist, but who means a hell lot to you. The only person you would want to have back in your life.The only person who went out of his way to bring a smile on your face, and now the only reason for tears to take a peek off your eyes every now n then.. As you walk through the parking lot, memories of that day's journey come alive. The very nice drive, manners at its best, amazing after-rain-weather, songs dedicated, and to top it all, loads of care and affection. Felt no less than a princess that fortunate day.The day you had realised that it needn't necessarily have to be love for someone to be special. You enter the place and imaginary shadows of you both sitting and chatting appear to you. You blink a couple of times and it disappears to nowhere. Trying to hold back the tears and faking a smile, you place the order and turn around, to see quite a few couples sitting and loafing time, as though nobody's watching. You just give a sigh, and say 'How I wish...', and right that moment, his fav song starts playing in the background...

Now, isn't that  a bit too unfair on you? For the only reason that you genuinely cherished that person...and you still do... ??

Loads of love,

Chandana

A poem again..

Just penned a poem... random... Don't have the patience to think of a title for it... Suggestions welcome :)



Had heard of love, had read about it,

Knew quite a bit, I have to admit.

Yet you made me feel, it was so very new,

When things between us, started to brew.



Life seemed so good, more perfect than ever,

Was so lovely, even my breath seemed so clear.

Sailing amongst clouds, was I, for sure,

Felt like a princess, with a lot of grandeur.



Moving on one day, to our relationship, you resigned,

Not bothering , what in me, you just left behind.

Yet love you loads hon, day in and day out,

And you're the only guy, I can ever think about.



p.s.- My laptop is so screwed up. It's gone ill. And so have I. Need some rest now :(

Chandana C. Shekar

Yet Another Night

Guess I can put in one more poem here instead of any prose. One of my old works, way back in 2007. Just out of imagination. Not to assume any co-incidences in life with :). But one among my favs.. Any suggestions, always welcome :).

Last night, when the night seemed so long,
Playing on the radio, was a beautiful song.
All by myself, I sat in the balcony,
Thinking of you, the better half of me.

Lying on the couch, made of nice soft foam,
I just wished, you should have been here, at home.
All I could do, was give a soft sigh,
And turn my glance, to gaze at the sky.

Oh my God, hadn't we watched this earlier?,
With you sitting, to me, so very near.
Wherever we are today, whatever is the fuss,
We still have the same sky, to roof both of us.

While that night, you said, 'he' was all mine,
And I could have him some day, with us, to dine.
The same moon today, looked so full and elegant,
Seemed like a new bed lamp, for me, that you have sent.

The sky stretched out there, all black and vast,
With clouds in between, moving not so very fast.
Wish you were here honey, to give me company,
Until the sky fell down, upon you and me.

Wondering I was, if I could walk through that park?,
With stars all around, leaving their mark.
Heard from behind me, a very soft whisper,
Felt it was you, saying 'Yes' for an answer.

Instantly did I turn around, telling myself, 'It's Him',
Was less than a second, for me to realise, it was a dream.
Oh dear, how I wish it wasn't a dream, but actually true,
Then maybe, we could have painted, the black sky blue..

Chandana C. Shekar

Lost..

Have had so many thoughts churning in my mind today, that I'm so clueless as to which one I should write about. Well, anyways, was just going through my poems. This poem out here, was written way back in October 2007!! Was too amateur at writing then ( not that I'm any better now;)) and this poem has it's own flaws. For some reason, felt like putting it up here today.. Just like that..



As the night seeps in,
And the winds blow slow;
I just know, it's been so long,
Since, with me, you tagged along..

Done with the day, with things going my way,
No chores pending , neither any mending.
Everything is in place, except my heart,
It's just out there, waiting for its counterpart.

Sipping my coffee, by my window, I stand,
Watching people pass by, walking hand in hand.
I see you too, with arms wide open,
Before I can run into you, my illusion gets proven.

How do I show you, how much I miss you..
How do I tell you, I want you back..
A silent tear, a silent whisper,..
With all my heart, I just wish you were here...

Chandana C. Shekar

Blah..

I'm confused... That's all I know at present.. :-(

Chandana C. Shekar

Sometimes, you pay for somebody else's mistake

Met with an accident. Some *$*#@ bugger who didn't know how to drive his car was the cause for it. :( If I had just passed 3 houses, I would have reached home and would've been as safe as a puppy in its kennel. But unfortunately, that guy had to turn his car sharply to the right without an indicator 3 houses away from my house and I had to fall. Hurt my leg badly. Fortunately, just lacerations and abrasions, and no fractures or displacements. My knee is dressed royally and I'm not able to flex my knee. So, I'm not able to walk properly, just limping around in the house. I just hope the wounds heal soon and I won't have to undergo delayed primary suturing or something of that sort. Yet, I thank myself for being slow at that point of time. The impact would've been more if I was driving fast maybe.

It was just a day that I had joined the gym and I was a bit too enthu about it. And now, I won't be able to go for a few days :( . Just wishing if I hadn't gone to the gym yesterday. My membership would've started later itself. Now that my membership has started, I feel so bad that the money is going waste there. And yeah, I 'wanted' to go work out :( . Missing going there big time :(

My vehicle is not moving at all. Wonder what's with it. My parents are now bent on me buyin a car. But I prefer the scooter. The worst thing is that, my parents are telling me that I'm not supposed to ride my vehicle atleast for a week coz my foot needs rest. Oh god! I hate travelling by auto or waiting for my parents to pick me up. :(

I got leave for two days from hospital. But I wonder If I'll be able to walk around properly when I get back on friday, coz paedo postings has a lot of walking around to do. I wonder If I'll even get back on friday. Have a follow-up at the ortho on thurday evening. Let's see..Well, had plans of taking leave and going to Bangalore next week. But now, my leaves are inevitably meant for sitting at home :(

All of this, just for somebody else's 'mistake' as what that bugger calls it. I swear, I royally curse that ^%&&&$#* who was driving the car. For no mistake of mine, I am to suffer. That guy must be roaming around somewhere doing nothing useful in life this moment, when I'm sitting here at home and blogging coz I'm getting bugged!!

I always knew what suffering meant. I know that my wounds are noting compared to what I see at the hospital. But now I know for sure, what people feel when you dress up their leg and ask them not to move it for days together. Well, my heart's with them sure.

Well, I want to get back to being a 'doctor', from being a 'patient'. ASAP!!

Chandana C. Shekar

Aarrgghh !!

For the first time in my internship, I'm regretting being on leave :( Yeah, you heard it right, It might sound insane, but yeah, its true. I must have said "What the hell", quite a few times now. No intern would repent being on leave. Even I wouldn't in other circumstances. We jump and grab the leaves we can get. But now, there are three things that are making me regret. One- I'm sick :-(. Two- It's happening during Ortho postings of the lot!! Three- I'm royally bored!!! Ortho postings has hardly any work to be done. Coming home by 11.30 am on free days feels nothing else but 'bliss'. And I'm missing out on that.. Wish I had fallen ill during some other postings when I had loads of work to do :( I would have slept with peace..

This fever is so sickening. It's changed from intermittent to continous now. I'm so royally bored sleeping all the time. The only other thing that's happening is that music is playing. And my 'younger' sister keeps advising me to stop it coz she thinks that it'll give me a headache!! My younger sister reigning over me? yeah, I know, power does a lot to people. Mom's not in town.So, my sister thinks she is responsible to look after my health now. Poor girl, she ends up asking me if I want anything umpteen times a day. Mom will be back tomorrow. I'm glad. It's always so nice to have Mom around.

Gave my blood for repeat investigations. Waiting for the reports. Have to call the physician after that. I realise, there are a few advantages being a doctor. Or even a doctors' kid. No need to worry about hospital hours, even for the slightest problems. Things get done anytime. :-) I wouldn't have consulted a physician for this fever. Thought it's viral. But it's been a week and sumptoms aren't reducing.So, my parents need 'expert' opinion for that. lolz. See, when your kith and kin fall sick, you forget that you are a doctor too :-).

My friends are giving me varied diagnosis every time they call me. And they seem to be very sure of it. It's fun when they say, "This disease doesn't usually present like this, but it can you know?"..Yeah, yeah, I know :). See, this is what happens when you know half and half :). Anyways, best one was when somebody said 'swine flu'.. hehehe... How could he say that? But poor guy, i appreciate his concern :)

One of my best friend's wedding got finalised. I'm so happy for her. The wedding's after a year. I just wish it was somewhere at a more nearby date. I'm sure I'll be a part of it. So wondering if it could happen somewhere now. Atleast would have had some excitement in life. lolz :) . I guess it'll be the first wedding among my 'best' friends. So, pretty excited about it. :)

I seem to have fallen in love with the song 'chor bazaari' from the movie 'Love aaj kal'. Been hearing it over and over again. Love the beats in the song somehow. My sis says that I need to change the song. I've played it so many times that she has the lyrics by-heart itseems.lolz. I won't change. Getting some sadistic pleasure by irritating her ;-) .

Ok, I'm hungry now. Need to go eat something. Feels so good scribbling my mind out. I feel less 'aarrgghh'. I hope you guys don't feel 'aarrgghh' reading it :) . If you do, don't write to me.. Write to..,.maybe...hmmm... My sister... lolz ;-)

Take care

Chandana C. Shekar

Just when I think I'm done...

Saturday is back again!! Unfortunately!! :( Yeah, you didn't hear me wrong..I said 'Unfortunately' itself. Almost every sane human being looks forward to 'weekends'. For youth like us, Saturdays are always more fun than Sundays. But for me and a few more working with me, well, we just wish Saturdays cease forever..

It feels like just yesterday, that we had Saturday and our OPD and admission day and night shift and all that crap. And Saturday is here again :( How soon did the week pass by ? :(

Physiology says , your body and mind needs adequate rest.Being doctors, we all have studied it properly in our very first year of medical school. We know the disadvantages of not getting enough rest. Then why on earth are we doctors ourselves expected to work like donkeys?!?! We aren't some machines right? Why are we put on 36 hour shift and 70 hour shift and all that? Forget me, one of my friend took up MS general surgery in a government college recently. And poor fellow, he is getting to sleep only for an hour everyday for the past five days!! I mean, won't our efficiency decrease if we work like this?How much can you force your body and mind to work. When your drowsy and your mind is not analysing the history and findings and investigation reports of a patient to come to a diagnosis, forget the treatment part, whose at loss? What if you make a blunder in the treatment?At the end of the day, patients do get affected because of this right?But the world's very diplomatic. Everybody is of the opinion that, 'your a doctor. The noble profession. You should be able to handle all this'. What crap!! I wonder why shifts are so unreasonable. But I know for a fact that, nothing can be changed.

Intake of PGs and staff can be increased and work load will reduce. MBBS graduates are staying at home without PG seats and very low paid duty doctor jobs. But no. No college admits more PGs. I wonder why.When you can admit 150 students for an MBBS course, and you know that just an MBBS degree without an MS or MD leaves you nowhere, why is that you hardly have 50 seats for MD and MS? What are the others supposed to do? Stick to a 10,000 job all through life? Amazing logic ya!! Whatever it is, the hierarchy in this field is horrible. 'Rules' here, means, just what the seniors say. That's it. They are the rule makers and breakers and everything.

I'm not feeling well today. It looks like its gonna continue for tomorrow too. And tomorrow is supposed to be our busy day. How do I work when I myself am not feeling well? But yeah, I have to and I have previously worked while ill too. According to me, almost every intern and pg would have. Nobody in the hospital bothers about it. If at all I go and ask for leave, I won't get it because tomorrow is duty day and moreover, even if i get it, my leave for shruthi's wedding will get cancelled. Heights!!

My friends who I used to hang out with all these years have now shifted to Bangalore and elsewhere because most of my friends are engineers and are working in Metros. They come to Mysore only on weekends and they laugh at me when I say I'm at work!! Wow!! Amazing na? Life is screwed up if your weekends are screwed up yaar.

Anyways, I'm in this department for two more weekends. I'm on leave next weekend and that leaves me with only one Saturday duty and that's tomorrow. Hope things go easy tomorrow and hope my leave for the next weekend doesn't get cancelled. Want to get done with this..ASAP

Chandana C. Shekar

Mind-Shake!!!

Sometimes everything in life stays right in its place. Sometimes everything goes wrong as a whole. Your personal life affects your professional life and vice-verse. At times, your work front is awesome, but you personal life is awful. Either you've had a fight at home, or just had a break up with your better half or maybe your bills are high or you have neighbours who throw some unwanted tantrums. It might as well be the other way round- a fussy boss, colleagues who feel J, loads of work and very less pay. Be it anything, name it and we all would have gone through it.

When we think of it in retrospect, we feel its something that's an inevitable part of life and everybody goes through it. Some people even say that if you don't know what sorrow feels like, you'll never be able to enjoy happiness. Maybe.. But when your going through a problem, its tough dude. You might try to find a solution.Maybe even talk to friends and pour your heart out. But then, sometime you end up being ruined. Your day is ruined. Life is short and every day has to be enjoyed. Then why is that these things turn up?.

I think I like this movie 'Bridget Jones' Diary' very much. This is the second time I'm quoting a dialogue from that movie in my blog. There is one line which says something like 'When one part of your life gets into its perfect place, another part just shatters into pieces'. That's so very true. That's god-damn true. Practically speaking, I almost have everything I want in life. But still, I've had problems too. When I've tried to talk about it to friend(s), I've been told that these are not great problems and they(or others) face worse problems than that. But then, its my life dude. Maybe in their life this wouldn't have been a problem. Maybe my threshold for problems is low.Maybe that's because my parents have brought me up in a way that I hardly faced any problems. Thanks to them for that. But still, now its something that I have to sort out and I'm getting screwed up. And to get that thing right, I spend a fortune of a time!!(It's always easier to solve others' problems than yours). If at all it doesn't go right, I crib about it too. I have a problem now. Maybe it'll get solved by morning, or maybe it won't ever get right. But at the moment, its irritating and frustrating and its persistently occupying my mind even though I'm trying to divert my attention towards something else. Sometimes choices in life are hard to make too. And when you start writing about negative things, all you get in your head are negative thoughts. Maybe that's why I'm going on with this..

Whatever it is, at the end of the day, all I wonder is, Why the hell is life so complicated?!?!?!

Chandana C. Shekar

Get well soon..

The doctor told my best friend that he has to undergo a knee related surgery. Poor thing, he has to be under 2 and odd months of rest and rehabilitation. Really sad for him.Just hoping and wishing that everything goes alright with him and he gets well soon...

Get well soon chap. I know you will :)


Loads of love,
Chandana C. Shekar

One messy day

Nothing happened the way i wanted today:

1. I got up late.

2. I realised there was no petrol in my vehicle.

3. I was late to work.

4. Too many patients at hospital. ( That's not that bad anyways)

5. My friend who was supposed to come shopping with me had to quit.

6. I lost my ear ring ( It was a new one and it was something I wore for the first time today).

7. My phone fell again.

8. I searched the whole of D.D.Urs road and i couldn't one simple plain white top to go with the skirt i had bought for my birthday party. And now all my plans for the party are ruined!!!

9. I fought with my best friend. Actually, that fool fought with me.

10. All in all, I feel irritated and frustrated.

Chandana C. Shekar