Writer's Block

Sitting around was I, thinking of a topic to write on

Failing to get a brainstorm, had just begun to yawn.

Why was this happening, only today all of a sudden?

Wondered why my pen, was now not getting into action.

Do I write about love, yet another time?

One more in the row, wouldn't actually be a crime.

Or would something else, with a lilt of comedy do?

Maybe I could write about, the circus and its crew?.

Depression and denials, were infact not a bad idea
But I wanted something more cheerful, maybe even the Dahlia.
Maybe a wish for somebody, a friend very true
Or somebody who had already bid, a final adieu.

The tides at the sea, or the birds in the tree
Everything, but nothing, would my psyche agree.
God!, what do I pen on?, what do I do?
Maybe my mind has gone, to bamboo, to chew.

Until next time
Chandana Shekar

Together, To Be.

All alone at home, I sat thinking of you.
Why away from me, you had to move?
Sat with the wooden box, carved like a dove.
Which treasured in it, your many tokens of love.

Those cute little cards, those old dried flowers.
Which between us, had helped banish all bars.
Those chocolate wrappers, and that first key ring,
Everything in itself, had a ballad to sing.

If one fine day, we had to go away from each other,
Why in the first place, did we actually come together?
Tried to figure it out, but ended up getting tired.
Maybe of life's many reasons, some were just weird.

Miles apart, you still love me as much as you did.
But if you were next to me, life would be splendid.
All I can do now hon,  is give a soft sigh.
And wish to be back, together again, You and I.

You've thought of something for me, I have thoughts for you.

We wish for a life together, after we finally say "I do".

Hope things go fine, and destiny won't actually mind,

Me being yours, when you're told,

 "You may now kiss the Bride".

Until next time,
Chandana Shekar

P.S.-Fiction!

Those Defining Days, a story

"Hey everyone. I'm Deepa Subash Mysore, from San Francisco, CA. Well, Medical School is something that happened to me out of the blue and hence, unlike all you guys, I don't have a specific reason as to why I 'wanted' to be a doctor. Other than that, I love playing the keyboard and traveling. Well, see y'all around then. Cheers". 

That was my fresher's speech at the most boring 'freshers' day' ever in history! As I awed at the oil-factory in the samosas and pakodas that went with tea, and the dress-code of 'salwar kameez' that I couldn't even spell; my batch mates awed at me for being an ABCD, which in their lingo was old-school for American-Born-Confused-Desi. Here I was, at a City that made my Surname and yet, a place I had never been to before. 

My Parents, both Indian Physicians, had migrated to the United States Of America way back in the 1980s, even before I was conceived. Maybe they fancied that country more than their Motherland, or maybe work and the country kept them busy enough not to get back to India, not even for vacations. The fact that most of their kith and kin had also made America their abode, gave them all the more reason to stick around. As I grew up, except for my name, family and skin, nothing in me was 'Indian'. Infact it took time for me to even realize that there isn't any language called 'Indian'. When I was done with School and was to get into College, my Parents insisted that I get into Medical School. But I, always thought Medicine and Law and the like were for boring people and not for me. But, unable to convince them that I wouldn't be enjoying it, I made other plans. I intentionally didn't fare well in the MCAT Exams. Nevertheless, my strategists Parents dumped me  at a Medical College in Mysore, India, after paying a large amount of money, that was the norm for N.R.I. students and sparing me the Entrance Exams. Students in India were working their back off  to get through pre-med and hoping like crazy to get into Med school. And there I was,having no idea why the world(read my parents) was doing this to me! But well, for some unknown reason, I didn't fight it much.

Things were okay until my flight landed at the Bangalore International Airport, and I boarded the Vaayu Vajra Volvo Bus to the Bus Station. Just after that, I was living a nightmare! Why on earth was the Bus Terminal at Bangalore called 'Majestic'? What was so majestic about the place? It looked like the biggest chaos I had ever seen in my life! Preparing myself for the pleasant and not-so-pleasant surprises that were yet to come my way, I reached Mysore. I got myself geared up to spend the next five and a half years of my life at the campus of J.S.S. Medical College. In a couple of days,Lectures started and I sucked!. I found everything weird, and weirder. The bossism of the teachers didn't do down well with me. Rules were rigid, competition was too much and I suffocated. The students fighting over every chance to dissect the Cadaver, the Histology diagrams always going wrong, pricking one's own finger for those drops of blood for the haematology blood-count experiments, and worse - so many charts and tables to know by-heart. Aarrgh! I hated it. Very soon, the N.R.I. me was an outcast. I couldn't figure out if the students had made me one, or I myself had.

Come weekends and I hardly had any company to hang out at a pub or so. The city being a small one, went to sleep early too. As they say, destructive things are easier to happen, I befriended a couple of students from other countries supposedly 'pursuing' different courses here. I should have been friends with the ones who liked their stuff, but instead I had chosen the ones who complained about every single thing around them, just like myself. What followed was obvious. I stayed away from classes, partied hard, went on vacations, flunked exams , and basically- wasted time. 

One fine morning, I realised that this was not what I was here for. Being a useless-bug was not me. I wanted to do something with my life and the best option that was in front of me, was to go back to College. But that wasn't an easy task for me. I realised that I needed a break and hence, decided to travel across the region I lived, alone. What I had in store, was nothing less than a treasure. Who said India was a poor country? The sea and beaches at Kanyakumari, the hills and tea estates at Munnar, the Jog falls and the Western Ghats in Karnataka, left me wanting to see more of India's rich nature. The hospitality and harmony with which the people lived here was something the world could learn from. There were petty villages with poor people sure. But the broad smile on their face and the authentic cuisines which changed from one region to another were so Wow! We are always taught to treat guests well, but only in this country do they mean what they say- 'Athithi devobhava'!. 


Back to College, I started afresh. All I had to do was return the smile I got from my batch mates and they were more than happy to help. Friends, happened within no time. Dhanya, a half Punjabi and half Mysorean, who later went to be my best-friend-forever, insisted that I shift base from the hostel to her home. Her family, unlike what I expected, were more than welcoming. Inviting an outsider to stay at your place for 5 years odd wouldn't have been something I would have done. But well, this wasn't me. It was them! Within a few minutes after I stepped into their house, I had turned from 'Deepa' to 'Beti'. So much affection in so less time? Was again another point to be added to my 'What I love about India' list. The bond that Indian families share is one of a kind. They don't just come together at Holidays. They live together, everyday. They share duties and responsibilities, joy and laughter, sorrow and tears with so much ease as though they have a gene in their chromosomes just for this. Relationships weren't as simple as brother and sister or uncle and aunt. It was specific for every kind of it - anna, akka, thangi, thamma, maava, aththe, chikkamma, chikkappa, dhodamma, dhodappa; well, the list continued. And there were different versions of this in different languages too! These little things were what made these relationships so special I guess. As I lived there and it kinda became 'home' for me, the essence of India slowly started to sink in. Festivals followed and the pomp that came with it- prayers, rangolis, sweets, lights, fireworks, colors, was nothing less than a cultural extravaganza. It was only at Deepavali, that I understood the actual meaning of my name. Deepa - A Light to lead the world away from darkness. I couldn't hold my tears when Ajji said, 'When you become a Doctor, you shall treat the sick and lead them into the light of health from the darkness of disease.' Well, maybe 20 years ago, my parents thought so too!

At college, I fared nothing less than 'great'. Though I had initially frowned upon my Parents' decision of getting me here, now I was thankful to them for the same with all my heart. I started learning the languages too and ended up mixing Hindi and Kannada with English. My friends were the best language tutors I could bargain for. The first line they taught me in Hindi was, "main tumse pyaar karthi hoon", supposedly meaning, 'how r u?'! Seriously? Wonder what was 'I love you' then! The Nurses at the Hospital, addressed as 'Sisters' and 'Brothers', were a sweet bunch to work with. Every morning, they would greet me with a 'thindi aaytha?' (meaning 'had breakfast?' in Kannada) and I would fluently reply 'aaythu'. From being an almost-firangi who couldn't pronounce a patient's name if it was Savithramma, I went on to be able to explain the risks, benefits and procedure of a surgery to a patient. And all that, in Kannada! 

Within no time, the 5.5 years passed by. When we Graduated and were administered the Hippocrates Oath, I had two families by my side - my biological one and the other, who made me one among themselves for the past 5.5 years. As friends parted ways after promising each other a million times to be in touch, Dhanya's wedding happened and it was indeed a Big Fat Indian Wedding. The Rokah, Sagaai, Sangeeth, Mehendi, the music, dance, joy,friends and family, celebrations,Baarath and the final Phere and Mangalsutra; the whole journey was amazing.It was Culture at its peak. It made me tell myself, 'It happens only in India'.

India is rich. India is glorious. India has so much treasure in itself, that the more you experience, the more is left to explore. India has something to offer to everyone who come here, be it oldies or youngsters. Tourists and the like have amazing experiences here and come back for more. For me, it had helped me realise my roots. I was way more Indian and less ABCD.  With Utmost satisfaction and at the same time, a heavy heart to leave the country, I stopped my tears and boarded my flight to San Francisco. For reasons, obligations and other perspectives, I had to return to the US, at least for then. Today, on the August 15th, the Independence day, far away from India at St.Mark's Hospital in San Francisco, I sat in my office staring at the miniature India Flag on my table. Memories raced through my mind as though it were happening right in front of my eyes. I was just telling myself, 'India is indeed incredible', and there was a knock on my door. It was turn for me to see my next Patient. As he walked in, as destiny would have maybe wanted it, I noticed that he happened to be an elderly Sardarji! Well, I couldn't help, but stand up and great him with, 'Satsriyakaal Papaji'.

Until the next story,

Chandana Shekar

Never Easy, But Totally Worth It!

Been almost a year since I last scribbled something in this space. Then, I was midway through my journey. A wild, exhilarating and exhausting journey. The last couple of years of my life have been eventful to say the least, with the last year in particular being nothing less than a roller-coaster ride. Trouble, wobble, stumble, topple and what not!. But today, I've got to the other side. Mission accomplished, objective achieved and have had a good night's sleep.

Every person has their own battles to fight. Every scar has a story to tell. And our scars, shout out loud that we survived! Every single one of my colleagues who are right now enjoying a vacation of a lifetime, have worked like a Trojan to get stuff done to fill up those few columns in the residency application. If someone had problems getting done with exams on time, someone else had a problem getting some externship experience. Research and publications were of course a jackpot! But somehow everyone knew how to console and motivate others though they themselves were in deep shit. Investing all our(and our family's) time, energy, hope, money, patience, prayers and everything we had into this one project was no kid's play. Hitchhiking all over the United States, camping at friends of friends of friend's place was not exactly what we had planned for our 20s. Mentally converting dollars to rupees every time we swiped our (dad's) credit card was no pleasure. Skipping weddings, being invisible on facebook was not our idea of a social life sure. But we had to, coz we dreaded the question, 'So,what are you doing nowadays?'! Be it July 4th or Thanksgiving or Christmas, state of mind was statusquo, if not worse. Having faith and going about our business as effectively as we could was the only option we had. We were like zombies! Miserable zombies who had to paradoxically look happy, excited and confident at interviews. No wonder we get enough material to write up 'personal statement' for our applications!!

About me, thanks to circumstances ( pun intended), I was trying to fit in someplace else a couple of years ago. The biggest mistake of my life. Thankfully, destiny was generous enough to give me a second chance. To ponder upon what I want from life and to do something about it. I took a U turn, took the other road and started over. Weirdly confident that I would succeed, though blissfully ignorant. That may as well be considered the Eureka moment of my life. Change began instantly. People who were holding me down got out of my life. Folks on the same migration became buddies. Family, as always, believed in me even when I myself didn't. True friends tolerated my drama, even though they did not really get what my expedition was. A fresh start, a new abode, nerd by the week, party-hearty by weekends, life sailed on.

Just when I jumped a hurdle and partied at Vegas, exams and work rained like hailstones. There was neither a choice nor an easy way out. By the time I could figure out what component of my application I need to work on, it was almost time to start the next one. E-mails were sent out in hundreds and replies were nearly none. No night was an exception for insomnia and all of them effectively spent stalking forums. Deadlines were super tight. Exams, publications and application procedure happening at the same time made me a pro at multi-tasking. As though these and a few more things were not breathing down my neck enough, I had acquaintances give me free advice of giving myself another year to apply. Or to look for alternate options back home in India! Ah, I feel so euphoric now having proved them wrong. :)

Of course there was a positive side too. The interview trail gave me a chance to explore New York City all by myself. And without a smart phone! Freedom, fun and frolic, kindled the spunky side of me. I did happen to make awesome friends too. Mates who made laughing, shopping, gossipping, partying and flirting possible. Seniors who were kind, generous and awesome enough to help even though I was just a little better than a stranger. A girl who left her apartment on me for 3 weeks though she had met me just a day ago! Amazing mentors who I would be grateful to forever. The gang at Utah who made me feel so much at home. Found my best therapist in a amazing being with fur and four legs, our Labrador. Good people and good times!

Every story has a happy ending. All the hardship that was put up with, all that backbreaking work turned totally worth it when on the 17th of March 2014, the happiest day of my life, that one e-mail said "Congratulations, you've matched!". It was ecstatic to see friends bombard facebook news feed with the seven letter magic word 'Matched'! The letters MD were to get attached to our names! 21st of March made it all the more better, when we got to know where we were headed to. Dreams came true, and they came true huge! Really huge! Like, I-couldn't-have-asked-for-more huge!!

Today, this moment, life is exactly the way I like it. love it. I am who I wanted to be. Nobody putting me down or telling me that I'm not good enough. Nobody convincing me to settle for less. Oh yeah, and nobody living like a parasite on me. My identity and self-esteem are safe and sound. Proud parents, a sister who looks up to me, friends who I'm having a wonderful time with, a vacation to enjoy the finer things life has to offer - picture perfect!. And to add to it, I just turned an Aunt to super cute twins! Well, who knows what else is in store. For when life seems perfect, it may even get better. And as always, aankhon mein sapne, aaj bhi hain.

Cheers,

Chandana Shekar